I have always believed there is power in truth. And today I am coming clean about a few things. Firstly, I’m not perfect. Nor do I wish to be. There was a point in time where I strived to be the ‘perfect daughter’ or the ‘perfect girlfriend’ or have the ‘perfect body’ and it almost killed me. Striving for perfection is what led me to an eating disorder. It affected all areas of my life: my relationships, my family, my friends, my work, and my ability to study. Everything that had been going so well just slowly started to fade away as I became deeper and more obsessed with food. Or really the lack thereof.
But one day I decided enough was enough. Life was worth living, and I knew I needed to change.
I can’t say the process has been easy, but it has been worth it. I think recovery for each person is very much an individual thing. Each person has their own journey of self-discovery, slowly undoing the damage that was caused and learning to love themselves again.
When I was in the initial stages of recovery (circa 2010), I decided to seek out the advice of a dietitian. She and I worked closely together, sticking to a meal plan to keep me on track and get my weight moving in the right direction. Regular eating and increasing portions became easier with time, but the mental side was a real struggle. Telling that mean voice in your head to just shut up.
No you’re not fat.
No you’re not lazy.
Yes you should and can eat dessert.
Overcoming stupid food rules and being kinder to myself is how I know I’ve come a long way. You know you’re a little more healed when you can laugh at all the silly restrictions you used to put on yourself. My mom and I were doing this yesterday, and I was in stitches remembering how pedantic I used to be. The conversation went a little like this:
Me: ‘Hey do you remember there was a time when I wouldn’t eat fruit?’
Mom: ‘Yeah you were nuts.’
Me: ‘I know, but it wasn’t me, it was the eating disorder. That thing yelled stupid sh*t at me like ‘Ohmygod fruit has sugar! Sugar is the devil! Eat that and die biatch’
Mom: ‘Haha, I’m glad those days are behind us!’
Me: ‘Yeah me too. Now let’s make cookies and get high on sugar!!! Mwa ha ha ha’
I’ve overcome a good many food fears, but it didn’t happen overnight. For me it was a process of unlearning bad habits, and replacing them with more helpful ones.
From no fat, to low-fat, to ‘Do you think bacon goes with this?’ (obviously I’m making up for lost time!)
bacon wrapped caramelized sesame asparagus @ How Sweet It Is (Click on picture for recipe)
From chicken breasts, to chicken thighs, to ‘I’d like my steak medium rare thanks.’
From lacklustre, to ho-hum, to loving life.
And from self-hate, to self-acceptance, to ‘Damn girl nice booty!’
I feel like a little more me and a little less e.d. every day. But like I said, I’m not perfect. I still have my bad days too. The difference is now I choose life. I accept those bad days for what they are and move forward. Because I deserve to be happy, I deserve to work towards my goals, and you better believe I deserve to eat cookies!
Prep Time: 10 minutes Cooking Time: 25 minutes
Makes about 30 cookies
Ingredients
- 6 egg whites at room temperature
- pinch sea salt
- ¾ cup coconut sugar (or other natural sweetener)
- ¾ cup unsweetened cocoa powder
- ½ tsp pure vanilla extract
- 40g dairy free dark chocolate (70% or greater), chopped
- ½ cup + 1 tbsp unsalted dry roasted hazelnuts, chopped
Method
- Line 2 cookie sheets with baking paper. Preheat your oven to 175°C (350°F)
- Using an electric mixer, beat egg whites with salt until soft peaks form.
- Gradually add coconut sugar and continue beating until stiff peaks form.
- Fold in cocoa powder, vanilla, chocolate and ½ cup hazelnuts and mix until combined.
- Drop batter by rounded tablespoon onto prepared cookie sheets, dividing evenly. Garnish with additional chopped hazelnuts.
- Bake 1 cookie sheet at a time on oven’s middle rack for 10 to 12 minutes per sheet, until cookies are no longer shiny.
- Allow to cool 5 minutes before removing from sheet. Transfer to cooling rack.
- When completely cool, store cookies in air tight container, lined with baking paper. Cookies keep up to 1 week at room temperature, or can be frozen for up to 3 months.
To download a printable version click here: Chewy Chocolate Cookies
These cookies are like slightly sticky with a chewy texture that is similar to a brownie. On their own they are delicious, but if you are feeling in the mood for something even more satisfying, then do what I did: make an ice-cream sandwich!!!
Gluten & Dairy Free Ice-Cream Sandwiches
Simply make up a batch of banana soft serve, spread a small portion in between two cookies, and stick it in the freezer for 10 – 15 minutes to set. Pure bliss!
Might have to add these to the repertoire! YUM!
So true what you say about self acceptance, too. Especially hard for us girls, I think
Beauty of a post Sarah – wow! You are amazing, and yes, what a booty (hehe!)
Hope you’ve had a great week!
Thanks Shira! Hope your week has been fab too!
DAMN STragiHT! Love it ! You are amazing a what a beautiful story. From fruitless days to FRUITFULL moments!
Oh lindsay you always have such a way with words! Yes I am loving these fruitful moments. Thanks for stopping by xox
Great post, honesty is always the best way to let go of negative self-talk and feel free. Cookies look yummy too!
Nice work chica! You should be super proud of yourself for posting this, I’ve been wavering on posting my “coming out” story
It’s a scary thing! XO
You are such a strong woman! I admire your dedication to living a full life. Keep on having fun and inspiring others!
thanks for this post – it means a lot to read this stuff for someone who is going through it!
Hi Julia, glad you have found some inspiration. Like dory from finding nemo says ‘just keep swimming’. It will get better
You have com leaps and bounds. Well Done! Super proud of you!!!
This post ROCKED!!!! Perfection is so overrated, uniqueness and happiness is where it’s at
I’m so happy you’re in a much better frame of mind now, you only deserve the utmost happiness and nothing less!
Those cookies look quite amazing too heehee
Thanks lovely!! Your kind words never cease to amaze me xox
Reblogged this on worktomend and commented:
This is fantastic! I choose life too
Thank you for sharing this. I come from a similar place and am trying to work on my own issues. It makes me so mad when I hear people state their food rules and especially when they try to impose them on other people too! I love your attitude towards food. Congratulations to you on your way back to normal eating. It’s a process.
Hi April, thanks for the great comment! Finding your way back to normal is a process, but you’ll get there
I believe in ya!
great post! thanks for sharing and being so open
i’m happy you are in a good place in your life and at peace as you move forward toward focusing on your health overall well-being! get it gurrrrrllll!
Thanks madison…your post the other day about how the process of blogging changed your world really made me reflect on how my world has changed. Hope you’re having a great weekend!! xox
I’m so glad you’ve chosen life; it is definately worth living!
So true!
Lovely post – sounds like you’ve journeyed a long way! Congratulations on your progress and success.
I’m a sucker for a chewy cookie – those babies are drool-worthy.
Thanks megan…they are really good. Didn’t last long in this household
Hi Sarah. I love your blog and have cast my vote. In addition, you’ve been ‘tagged’ in my latest blog post. I’m passing on the fun!
Hey Cat…thanks for the comment! Just checked out your post and I will def answer the question this week! Thanks for the tag
Aw, good for you! You DO deserve to be happy! AND healthy
Have you ever read any Geneen Roth?
No i haven’t…any recommendations?
Well, she writes about emotional eating and about finding acceptance with ourselves: Breaking free from Emotional Eating and Appetites: On the Search for True Nourishment are good books! She seems to write things that I (we) already “know” but maybe haven’t figured out yet how to put into words. Good reminders, anyway
cool, thanks babe…will check it out
Chocolate and hazelnut are a match made in cookie heaven! These do look fantastically chewy, which is the best sort of texture for a cookie, if you ask me.
I know right! these kind of remind me of baci chocolates…ever had those??? I used to love the little notes inside
Hearing your story just motivated me to keep looking forward in my recovery! I want to remember this feeling of the desire to regain myself again and claim my life back.
You go girl!!! Desire it and achieve it…you are so much stronger than you think
xox